Lately I’ve started listing my preferred pronouns as “he/they” instead of “he/him” in situations where I have the freedom to do so. I figured that since it’s only a matter of time before people notice, I might as well just be open and forward about what’s going on. Recently I’ve been entertaining the hypothesis that my gender is non-binary. Until such time as I figure that out, I want people to know they can refer to me with either masculine or gender-neutral pronouns, but should not use feminine ones.
I feel like some people are going to inevitably want ask “why?” and I thought real hard about how I’d answer. Reasons certainly exist, but after repeatedly struggling to adequately articulate them I came to the realization that you’re not entitled to those reasons. I don’t owe you an explanation for being who I am; I’m just me. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve always been gender-nonconforming and now I’m simply updating my pronouns to match.
I do, however, think I have an obligation to explain “how?”. This is why the discussion here is focused on pronouns rather than gender. Most people closely associate pronouns with respective genders, but I don’t think I perceive gender quite like other people do to begin with. As such, I think it’s both appropriate and necessary for me to explain how I personally would like to be addressed.
In listing both “he” and “they” pronouns, I am inviting you to choose which pronoun seems appropriate in a given context. Part of this is to solicit feedback on my gender presentation. Since I don’t perceive gender the same way as others, I need more explicit data about how others perceive my gender. This is where I want your help. By using “he” or “they” as you perceive my behavior to be in a given situation, you can help me to disentangle my gender from my gender-image.
You’re also welcome to refer to me with neutral pronouns just for the sake of practice. I get that sometimes people have good intentions, but the muscle memory for those neutral pronouns isn’t quite there. Even I’m still getting used to it, so I’m here for you if you need a safe place to learn. We all need space to grow.
At the same time, I’d like you to be cautious about describing my gender neutral traits with feminine language. If you ask me “why are you dressed like a girl?”, don’t be surprised if I get upset because I don’t view myself that way. It’s not my fault that you’ve internalized these stereotypes, but that doesn’t excuse perpetuating them and my anger is an appropriate emotional response to that prejudice. Instead, please attempt describe my behaviors objectively for what they are (i.e. “wearing a skirt”) rather than through your subjective perception of gender.
There’s one more relevant detail that I should warn you about, and it’s that I hate crosses with a passion. My gender is not “X”, and even seeing “X” listed as a gender is absurd to me. Other non-binary people might choose to use “Mx” as a gender neutral title, but that isn’t going to work for me personally. If you really want to give me a gender neutral title, I’m currently leaning towards the use of “M*” (read like M-star) with bonus points for typesetting with Unicode 26E7 as “M⛧”.
My aversion to the letter “x” also extends to other languages as well. If you’re talking about me in a language other than English, please try to use the respective third-person plural or a modification thereof that at least sounds more natural than ending words with “-x”. For example, in Spanish you might use the suffix “-e” in place of “-o” in “amigo”. Would my friends agree that “amige” communicates the same intention as “amigx” while being substantially easier to read? We need to accept that languages aren’t fixed constructs and can evolve over time to better suit our needs.
I hope I’ve made it clear that I’m not adopting dual pronouns to make things more difficult, but in an attempt to them easier. I’m concerned that by listing only “he/him” as my pronouns I might give the false impression that using “they/them” would somehow be offensive to me when it’s really not. In fact, I think I would prefer it if more people used gender neutral terms when they’re unsure so I’m starting that practice with myself. Perhaps there will come a time when I’m ready to abandon my old pronouns entirely, but for now I’m quite content with the act of trying out new ones in parallel.