Recently I’ve read a couple of books (namely, White Fragility and How to be an Antiracist) that have made me reexamine certain aspects of myself through a lens of racial privilege.
For a significant period of my life, I refused to identify my race as “White” on any survey I completed. I’ve since realized that my doing so was an act of racism and I apologize. While I can’t change the past, I hope that sharing my story will serve as a token of my promise to make amends in the future.
The new information which led me to this conclusion was this idea that the white race begins with slavery. I had previously defined “White” as a ~2000 year old construct when in reality it began ~400 years ago. This redefinition caused all sorts of cognitive dissonance until I learned about a defensive mechanism that white people often have called channel-switching, where we redirect discussions about racism to other factors. I discovered I had been subconsciously conflating the “White Race” with “Christianity” because I identified them both with the same structure of “White Power”. I had falsely assumed that since “White Power” was inherently “Christian” that the “White Race” through which “White Power” manifested was also “Christian”.
What bothers me most was that I knew that race and religion were not the same, and was careful not to invoke my atheism as a minority defense. I’d even openly identify as “Caucasian”, but the term “White” triggered in me a storm of rage and “Decline to state” was the calm. I thought that distancing myself from that label made me “not racist”, but I was wrong. The only way to engage in antiracism is through accurate statistical measurements of racial disparities. I wasn’t thinking about the potential harm that mislabeling myself could do, placing my own individuality over the welfare of others, and I’m sorry.
I’m going to try to continue down this path of antiracism, but I need help. I’m trying to look at this as a data analysis problem and realized that I don’t have enough information to properly disaggregate race from religion. I don’t know how to authentically engage in antiracism without also being antireligious. This presents a problem because I’m “in the closet” at work. I carefully avoid revealing my thoughts on religion because I fear that doing so could get me fired. In order to learn how to navigate this space, I need more information about this intersection of race-religion.
The first step I can take on my own. Quite frankly, I need to learn about how and why so many blacks adopted the religion of their oppressor. I believe that the best way for me to acquire this knowledge is through the narratives of black thinkers who are critical of the role religion plays in the white power structure. I plan to seek out black atheists, listen to their stories, and lend whatever weight I can to their voices. I’ve known for a long time that black atheists were underrepresented in the atheist community and it’s time I did something about it.
The second step is going to require feedback. I accept the premise that there is a non-zero probability with which I will commit acts of racism in the future. I need friends of color to call me out when this happens and engage me in an honest discussion about why. If you do this publicly, I will make my best effort to model antiracist behavior in response, but do so with the understanding that my response will likely be influenced by my antireligious views.
If you are reading this and are someone I work with, I hope you can understand the thin line I’m attempting to walk. I propose we establish a hidden signal: invoke each others’ first names when calling out acts of privilege (in whatever form that may take). This will serve as a reminder that what follows is being said as a friend and that we’re both together in this fight for equality as human beings.