Dear Mr. Stephen Colbert and Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow,
I understand that you are looking for suggestions for what to do with that money that I gave you. I’m sorry it’s not much, but now that Congress fucked up America’s credit rating I’m expecting my students loan rates to go through the roof. While it is no longer my money to spend, I think the answer for what to do with it lies in the very same reason why I gave it to you in the first place:
I would like you, Stephen Colbert, to turn the 2012 Presidential Elections into a Media Circus.
If there’s one person that can do it, it’s you, and I’m pretty sure you were going to do it anyway.
In fact, Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow has already started drawing much needed attention to campaign finance issues. As ABTT continues to create media headlines, it’s benevolent ringleader can take this media coverage and convert it into Strategic Humorous Indoctrination Transmissions, or SHIT. Once the SHIT is produced, ABTT can seek volunteer monkeys to hurl the SHIT in every direction. The SHIT throwing will no doubt generate more media coverage, drawing new contributors to ABTT and providing the necessary resources to produce more SHIT. The next step is to find a presidential candidate that has what it takes to make our political leaders to look like a bunch of clowns. SHIT throwing monkeys are nice, but it just wouldn’t be a circus without the clowns.
My first idea was to hijack the Republican primary with a write-in campaign. Put out a few advertisements suggesting that everyone write-in the name of their favorite Conservative pundit in the GOP primary. If the votes for rest of the Republican candidates are somewhat evenly split, a social media driven write-in campaign might be enough to make it “first past the post”. Of course, there might be some potential legal and viability issues to consider with this approach. In the long run, perhaps this unnamed individual’s talents might make him better suited towards influencing public opinion of the candidates than being one himself.
As an alternative, I’d like to suggest Jello Biafra (Eric Reed Boucher). Yes, that’s right. The former Dead Kennedys front man: Jello Biafra. Jello has been involved in the Green Party presidential campaigns since 2000, and although he’s hasn’t announced any intention to run in 2012, there are some who think he should.
Now, hear me out here. The US Green Party is at a huge disadvantage in the upcoming election due to the Citizens United ruling. You see, like your pal Buddy Roemer, the Green Party takes issue with unlimited corporate contributions and candidates rely on small value donations from ordinary citizens. This means that Jello wouldn’t be able to run on the Green Party ticket and still accept PAC contributions. This makes it practically impossible for any Green Party, or other 3rd party, candidates to compete with the corporate financed campaigns. For a 3rd party to influence the election at all, it needs to be the center of a media circus. This is where ABTT comes in. The ABTT doesn’t have to support Jello, but rather it just needs to vilify him.
You see, Jello isn’t really your “tip of hat” type. He’s more of the “wag of the finger” type. He’s the kind of guy that will suggest radical ideas like instituting a maximum wage, abolishing the military, or lowering the voting age to 5.. The media needs a crazy-socialist-liberal to keep the news interesting! Jello’s political views should put him on the top of the “Threat Down”, but most people have never heard of him or the Green Party. It’s really too bad this is the case, because every superhero needs a supervillain and Jello would be a perfect arch nemesis for Steven Colbert. He even comes complete with built-in product placement and catchy potential campaign slogans like “Put a Former Dead Kennedy in the White House” or “There’s always room for Jello”.
If Jello were to run and selects a well-known Green Party figure as his running mate, like Ralph Nader, Cynthia McKinney or Howie Hawkins, the result could be a strong Green Party ticket. Jello’s punk rock attitude and anarchistic tendencies could be just the thing to pick up the disenfranchised youth vote. Regardless of whether or not Jello can win the election, a voice like his is much needed to shift the course of debate in the 2012 elections.
The plan is simple. Musical guests are no stranger to the Colbert Report, so there would be nothing out of the ordinary about inviting Jello on to talk about “The Audacity of Hype”. Ask him why he hates Obama and let the SHIT throwing monkeys do the rest.
For a little taste of Jello, check out the following videos:
Jello Biafra (public speech) – LIVE
Green Party 2000 Convention – Interviews with Key Figures 2
Jello Biafra on Net Neutrality & the COPE Act
Jello Biafra at Open The Debates Rally at DNC in Denver 2008